Book Reviews: Odd Girl Out and Curse of the Good Girl

It's no secret that I'm a woman and I have a daughter so these books really spoke to me. It is important that we look at the culture we've created for young women and take a good hard look at how to fix it. I've spoken more than once about ugly encounters/incidents that Autumn and I have had over the past few years and I wish I'd had copies of these books to hand to the individuals involved.

In light of the recent high-profile Stanford rape case and the documentary, The Hunting Ground, it seems more important than ever that women stick together and push for serious changes in society. Women are a force to be reckoned with and I have to believe that the suffragists would roll over in their graves if they could see what we've become.

Women are underrepresented in politics and business. Grown women tear down young girls and strive to stamp out those who are different. It takes a strong woman to stand her ground against and onslaught of pressure to submit and blend in. Those who don't fall in line are often left out. This is the point of Odd Girl Out, an attempt to explain the aggression between girls (and women).

Examining the tendency to victimize other girls for no apparent reason, to exclude them from social groups, is an ongoing issue in all schools and across all races and economic backgrounds. Boys are expected to fight in a very physical way because, "that's what boys do." It is unacceptable for girls to express anger, hurt, or frustration in the same manner meaning that they are encouraged to keep things quiet, to suppress such feelings as if they aren't there at all. Not only is this extremely unhealthy, it leads to a different type of aggression that flies under the radar of parents, teachers, and other adults in these kids' lives. This practice has led to a new kind of bullying that leaves lasting marks on a girl's psyche and shapes not only her self worth but who she becomes as an adult.

That woman who felt the need to berate my daughter for wearing her hair in buns, for wearing tall socks that said "Back Off," and for generally being larger, stronger, and more competitive than the other girls on the court was raised in that same culture of hidden aggression and by saying such things in front of her daughters, taught them to behave in the same way. My daughter, thankfully, doesn't understand the depth of this depravity but someday she will. Someday, my daughter, like most other girls, will be excluded from a group or groups for something silly and she will feel the sting of the exclusion. Her reaction will be as much on me as it is on her. All I can do is prepare her in the best possible way. To teach her that there are ways to handle it, to teach her to do things different. Do you have a daughter? Then it's your responsibility to do the same for her.

The Curse of the Good Girl explores the tendency for girls to be taught that they need to be good, sweet, modest, and selfless. Another documentary comes to mind when I read this book, Miss Representation spoke to me so much that I watched it a second time with both of my kids. Girls and women are expected to behave in a certain way. We are regarded as the "fairer sex" for more than one reason. We are expected to submit, to follow, to be good. If we aren't, if we don't do these things then we are labeled outliers, problems, and, essentially, bad.

For example, look at how female political candidates are treated in the media as opposed to men. The current Presidential race is no exception. Why are we not asking why Hilary Clinton could be the FIRST woman President of the United States? Why are we not critical of the underrepresentation of women in government? The media remains critical of Hilary's appearance but nobody comments on Trump's ridiculous hair or Bernie's age. Further, Trump's daughters are regularly objectified (even by their own father) but his sons do not receive the same treatment. It's no secret that I really don't like Trump, especially since he contributes to the suppression of women, but sexualizing and objectifying his daughters while tearing down Hilary Clinton's appearance is not sending a good message to young women looking to enter politics. Would you enter a field where you will constantly be chastised for your appearance? Doubtful.

Am I ranting now? I suppose I am. But I'm the mother teaching her son to be a feminist and reminding her daughter that she can be anything she wants to be. It's taken me a long time to get here and, admittedly, I still relapse into "the good girl" mentality including feeling guilty when I stand up for things I believe in. I realized recently when coaching my kids in various sports that women are treated very differently and I feel that we really do need more women coaches. I regularly see first hand how I can say the exact same thing as a man and he is touted for being "visionary" while I am disregarded. I watch men tell my daughter she needs to be less emotional on the ball field and then compliment another girl's identical reaction as being "the mark of a true competitor." I fell into this when I was told (by several coaches and by my ex spouse) that I need to teach her to reign it in.  I did just that because men were coaching her and those men didn't want to see tears - whether they were of pain, frustration, or any other emotional. Telling our daughters to be less emotional, to hold it all in is detrimental to them and just plain wrong. Just because I went through it and spent many years "keeping it in" doesn't mean my daughter needs to do the same. Mea culpa, Autumn. It changes now.

From one sports Mom to another....

You know who you are. Last Saturday you sat four seats down from me, flanked by your kids and your "mom posse." I sat with the fathers of two of my daughter's teammates. I heard you talking about my daughter, mocking her, shunning her, degrading her. 

She is ten. 

First you mocked her size. 

Then you were offended by her socks. 

Oh, and you didn't stop there, let's not forget how much you hated her hair. 

Heaven forbid my child be different. How dare she attempt to stand out.

I sat there for half of the game listening to you insult my daughter to your children and to the other parents near you. I just cheered for my child and her team. Then you caught my eye and said something negative directly to me. Were you embarrassed because you realized it was MY daughter you were talking about AND that I heard you? Were you trying to cover your shame? I can't be sure. I do know that you only succeeded in showing your kids that it is okay for adults to behave in such a manner. You made it okay for them to be bullies in their own right, that it is appropriate to shun that which is different. 

Shame on you. 

Let me tell you about that child you could not tolerate having on the court. She is one of the younger girls out there as she won't turn eleven until the end of May. Yes, she's a tall girl but as you should be well aware, she has no control over her height. Damn those pesky genetics! How dare she favor her 6'4" father!

She chose to wear tall socks that say "Back Off" because she thinks they are funny. Do you know why? Because she's a kid and they show a little attitude in a sea of green and white uniforms. She also takes a beating every week because she's tall and apparently that means all of the shorter girls can do as they please to her. 

Do you know why she wears her hair in two buns on top of her head (we call them poofs)?? Because she is tired of girls pulling her hair when they "guard" her on the court. The style keeps her hair out of her face, is fun and spunky, and generally is quite functional for basketball.

But more than that, my daughter is kind and considerate. She is aggressive when it comes to sports because, well, that's what sports are about. Off the court (or field), my daughter helps out with the younger kids at school. She takes gifted courses and participates in Girl Scouts. She helps me out around the house and looks out for her younger brother who can be a little forgetful. She loves zombies (especially The Walking Dead) and reads classics like Animal Farm and To Kill A Mockingbird. She is learning to knit and sew. She likes to write stories. She likes cosplay. 

This is the child you degraded on Saturday. My child. And then you tried to make me feel bad for calling you on it. What kind of parent degrades a child in such a manner?  

I am not proud of myself for responding to you, my daughter probably would not have. She may have looked you square in the eye and smiled. She might have said something witty but not rude because that is who she is. But...she would have handled it with grace that you clearly lack. What saddens me is that you are not the only one she has encountered and you certainly will not be the last.