Book Reviews: Odd Girl Out and Curse of the Good Girl

It's no secret that I'm a woman and I have a daughter so these books really spoke to me. It is important that we look at the culture we've created for young women and take a good hard look at how to fix it. I've spoken more than once about ugly encounters/incidents that Autumn and I have had over the past few years and I wish I'd had copies of these books to hand to the individuals involved.

In light of the recent high-profile Stanford rape case and the documentary, The Hunting Ground, it seems more important than ever that women stick together and push for serious changes in society. Women are a force to be reckoned with and I have to believe that the suffragists would roll over in their graves if they could see what we've become.

Women are underrepresented in politics and business. Grown women tear down young girls and strive to stamp out those who are different. It takes a strong woman to stand her ground against and onslaught of pressure to submit and blend in. Those who don't fall in line are often left out. This is the point of Odd Girl Out, an attempt to explain the aggression between girls (and women).

Examining the tendency to victimize other girls for no apparent reason, to exclude them from social groups, is an ongoing issue in all schools and across all races and economic backgrounds. Boys are expected to fight in a very physical way because, "that's what boys do." It is unacceptable for girls to express anger, hurt, or frustration in the same manner meaning that they are encouraged to keep things quiet, to suppress such feelings as if they aren't there at all. Not only is this extremely unhealthy, it leads to a different type of aggression that flies under the radar of parents, teachers, and other adults in these kids' lives. This practice has led to a new kind of bullying that leaves lasting marks on a girl's psyche and shapes not only her self worth but who she becomes as an adult.

That woman who felt the need to berate my daughter for wearing her hair in buns, for wearing tall socks that said "Back Off," and for generally being larger, stronger, and more competitive than the other girls on the court was raised in that same culture of hidden aggression and by saying such things in front of her daughters, taught them to behave in the same way. My daughter, thankfully, doesn't understand the depth of this depravity but someday she will. Someday, my daughter, like most other girls, will be excluded from a group or groups for something silly and she will feel the sting of the exclusion. Her reaction will be as much on me as it is on her. All I can do is prepare her in the best possible way. To teach her that there are ways to handle it, to teach her to do things different. Do you have a daughter? Then it's your responsibility to do the same for her.

The Curse of the Good Girl explores the tendency for girls to be taught that they need to be good, sweet, modest, and selfless. Another documentary comes to mind when I read this book, Miss Representation spoke to me so much that I watched it a second time with both of my kids. Girls and women are expected to behave in a certain way. We are regarded as the "fairer sex" for more than one reason. We are expected to submit, to follow, to be good. If we aren't, if we don't do these things then we are labeled outliers, problems, and, essentially, bad.

For example, look at how female political candidates are treated in the media as opposed to men. The current Presidential race is no exception. Why are we not asking why Hilary Clinton could be the FIRST woman President of the United States? Why are we not critical of the underrepresentation of women in government? The media remains critical of Hilary's appearance but nobody comments on Trump's ridiculous hair or Bernie's age. Further, Trump's daughters are regularly objectified (even by their own father) but his sons do not receive the same treatment. It's no secret that I really don't like Trump, especially since he contributes to the suppression of women, but sexualizing and objectifying his daughters while tearing down Hilary Clinton's appearance is not sending a good message to young women looking to enter politics. Would you enter a field where you will constantly be chastised for your appearance? Doubtful.

Am I ranting now? I suppose I am. But I'm the mother teaching her son to be a feminist and reminding her daughter that she can be anything she wants to be. It's taken me a long time to get here and, admittedly, I still relapse into "the good girl" mentality including feeling guilty when I stand up for things I believe in. I realized recently when coaching my kids in various sports that women are treated very differently and I feel that we really do need more women coaches. I regularly see first hand how I can say the exact same thing as a man and he is touted for being "visionary" while I am disregarded. I watch men tell my daughter she needs to be less emotional on the ball field and then compliment another girl's identical reaction as being "the mark of a true competitor." I fell into this when I was told (by several coaches and by my ex spouse) that I need to teach her to reign it in.  I did just that because men were coaching her and those men didn't want to see tears - whether they were of pain, frustration, or any other emotional. Telling our daughters to be less emotional, to hold it all in is detrimental to them and just plain wrong. Just because I went through it and spent many years "keeping it in" doesn't mean my daughter needs to do the same. Mea culpa, Autumn. It changes now.

Obsession #43 - The Walking Dead

Admittedly, I'm borrowing a lot of this post from one of my other blogs but it seems more relevant here...and...I've received a lot of backlash over the post so I'm going to rework it a bit and expand. I may let the kids comment at some point but they kinda just go into that "Don't kill Glen or Carl or Maggie or Darryl" place.

See, it's time to face facts, I'm a terrible mom. I allow my kids to watch The Walking Dead and consequently must be stoned. Surely I am going to "mommy hell." for allowing my kids to watch something so awful.

Except that I don't think it's awful. And here's why:

1. Zombies are the new cool. When I was a kid, we watched Freddy, Michael, and Jason tear, cut, and shred teens. When I was Autumn's age, I started reading Stephen King books and let's face it, they aren't for the weak of heart.

The zombie mythos is being marketed to every age range in every medium possible (Plants vs. Zombies, Monster High, Alice in Zombieland...need I go on??). At school they talk about zombies, draw zombies, and write about zombies. Bottom line, my kids are into zombies and they are going to find a way to access all things zombie so why not be a part of their discovery? Why not be there to help explore and answer questions?

My daughter getting her zombie on as "Zombie Sophia"

2. TWD is about more than zombies, it's a social study. It's kind of like disguising vegetables so the kids will eat them....hiding lessons in TWD, who woulda thunk it? I'm not saying TWD is on the same level as After School Special but our kids are living in a different time with different problems. We've addressed issues about defending yourself/your family, how far you'd go to survive, first crushes, and the importance of being honest. I never know what I'm going to get out of them after an episode but I look forward to it. The important thing is that we watch the episode together in case something doesn't settle right with them.

My son impersonating "Carl."

3. The fandom is incredible. My kids are so different but they agree on The Walking Dead. It is one of a few things we can enjoy together and that means they can cosplay on the convention circuit. My kids have accompanied me to more than a few events at this point and TWD fandom never disappoints. They've met some of the actors and I have to say that for the most part, TWD has some of the nicest celebs we've encountered.

My kiddos acting up at Horrorhound

4. It is just fun. Though we never get to watch TWD on the night it airs since we don't have cable, the kids and I don't mind. Waiting allows us to pick the best night for our schedules and plan the perfect meal or snacks. Homework is done, clothes are ready for school the next day, and everything is set out before we even start the show so nobody misses anything.

I'm going to argue that this is one thing I'm doing right as a mom. My kiddos and I bond over the The Walking Dead and the best part of that statement is "bond." How many of my wanna-be-shamers can say the same thing?

Life as a Fat Mom

I haven’t always been like this. It didn’t happen overnight either. I didn’t even realize it at first. Still, people go out of their way to make me painfully aware now. Sometimes I wonder why nobody close to me took a moment to mention it. Nobody did.

Me at the Rock Hall of Fame....Love The Doors!!

Curvy, weighty, overweight, hefty, plus-sized, BBW….or….just plain fat. Yep, I’m fat. According to BMI charts, at 5’4” I should weigh between 108 and 145 pounds. When I was a senior in high school and a two sport athlete, I weighed 155 pounds. I did not feel good about myself because I was not tall and lean like my friends. I developed a chest very early and it was not small. I had hips and a healthy rear end. Looking back, I looked good. I looked healthy. I looked top heavy. But I was healthy. I must emphasize this. Despite constantly feeling fat, I was not.

In college I gained the freshman fifteen and then some. Again, it didn’t happen overnight. Taking a full (and sometimes overfull) course load, working part time, and trying to have some semblance of a social life took its toll. I didn’t weigh myself for a long time, it wasn’t on my to-do list. In fact, I didn’t really notice my ballooning figure until more than a year after I graduated college. At that point I was dealing with some serious life issues and used food and exercise as a means to begin reclaiming my life. In the spring of 2001 I weighed in at 172 pounds (give or take). I looked pretty good, I felt great.

Then, I got married in 2002. I had my first child in May 2005 and my second in June of 2006. My body betrayed me in so many ways. My already ample chest seemed to explode. I went from a 34DDD/E to a 36GG in that time. My weight fluctuated from 180 to 210 over the course of a few years. It was a tough time for me. By the time my marriage fell apart I was struggling just to stay afloat and look out for my kids. My weight was not in a good place.

Me (as the TARDIS) stepping into a TARDIS

I think the heaviest I weighed in at was 216 and that broke my heart. I have been struggling with my body for more than a decade now. And I am made painfully aware of my failings all the time. I’ve had four doctors in the past fifteen years. Three of the four have treated me like a second class citizen because of my weight. I have actually been told that my chronic migraines would go away if I would just lose weight. Migraines have been a part of my life since 4^th grade so I find that hard to believe. They did not want to hear that. Interestingly, my blood work is all normal. The only chronic health problems I have are my migraines and sinus/allergy difficulties. I don’t eat terribly – I could do better and far worse – but the perception is that I must be unhealthy because of my weight. It’s simply untrue.

With plus-size women speaking out all over the world, it seems crazy that I would continue to encounter prejudices at my size. Yet it still happens. All the time. Unlike those women who appear confident and proud of their size, I am not so much. I remember the feeling of being curvy, voluptuous but not fat. Believe me, I notice when people ignore me for my size. I attend a lot of comic cons and I’m passed over in photo ops for the thinner, more scantily clad ladies. I was even edged out of a photo op I had paid for so that it was just the celeb and my son. It looked so awkward that I cut down the picture from an 8X10 to a 5X7 for my son. I’ll admit, it stung more than a little bit.

I ran a 5K with Autumn

Sharing a post run smoothie with Autumn

It happens in bars and restaurants, school and well, anywhere I go.

The kids and me at Notre Dame

Hell, it happens at the when I go shopping for clothes. I wear a size 14/16 pant, sizes that are generally available in most stores but I have been practically run out of more than one retail giant. One sales clerk actually told me I would probably be more comfortable at another store even though they carried my size. 
It’s not like I was looking at size 2s! Bra shopping is even worse. As noted before, I wear a 36G/GG. Do you know how hard that size is to come by? Nevermind the cost of one when you manage to find one. I try to make my bras last as long as possible for this reason.

My weight doesn't keep me from doing things with my kids and they never seem bothered by my size. I help coach their ball teams, take them to the park to play, and generally don't stop until hours after they do.

Still, I keep trying. I keep plugging away and altering my sleep patterns, my activity, my diet. I just keep searching for the right combination that will allow me to find my way back to a wiser version of the curvy girl I used to be. She’s still in here. Somewhere. But in the meantime, I’m going to plug away as the fat mom and remember how I was treated all these years so that when I find her she will be that much wiser.